After my husband confessed on Sunday, I took the week off of work because I was in shock and broken inside. Surprisingly, my husband and I ended up spending a lot of time together those first few days. We met with our pastor and his wife, but we also went to breakfast, took a hike and saw a movie. We cried a lot, talked a ton and spent time alone with God as well. During our hike, I let out a lot of anger. I expressed that I felt like I wanted to kill those women. He said then you’d have to kill me too because I did it too. It was so hard feeling that much anger towards him and others because I’ve never had those kinds of feeling before, it scared me. He actually let me say whatever came to my mind and told me it was okay. He continued to say sorry throughout those days, which is always good. The weekend came and he asked me if I wanted to go on a date, and I said yes.
The whole process before the date was so upsetting and stressful because I had Satan telling me that “he doesn’t even want to be with you, he’s thinking about the other woman”. I had to combat those lies with truth just to be able to go on the date. I had been nauseous every day since the confession and I still felt sick. So we went to dinner, and it was awkward, I think I heard crickets a few times! I had actually looked up questions to ask on a first date on Pinterest because it literally felt like I was going out with a stranger. I didn’t know what had happened to my husband, and I was very scared. This was going to be harder than I thought. So I did actually use those question cards to get us talking some. There were still moments of awkwardness, but we survived dinner. After, he had asked me if I wanted to go get some things at a craft store and make something together. He knows I like to do this, so that was thoughtful, and we were off to the store. We walked around the store and I still felt nauseous. I not only felt like I was with a stranger, but I felt like I wouldn’t be with this type of stranger. The pain and hurt that he put upon me for self-centered pleasure was so hard for me to understand. It was so hard! Can I say that again? It was so hard! He kept suggesting things to make and I knew inside I couldn’t do this. Finally, I said I don’t feel like making anything tonight, let’s just go home and watch a movie. The car ride home was quiet and painful. I waspraying the whole time, God please help us. I know you want to see marriages restored, God please. We watched “Christmas with the Kranks” and the night actually ended well. Praise the Lord we survived our first date!
So please don’t throw in the towel because the restoration process is hard. I am telling you it will be! If you have kids, it will be even harder. Because we wanted to protect our young kids from knowing anything, we could really only “talk” when they were in bed. It will be hard for days and days in row, but you know what? If you stick with it you will start to see little miracles here and there. You will start to see God putting your heart back together little by little. The other cool thing you will start to see is your dates get better and better the more you go on.
I’m glad I remember how awful that first date was eight months ago because now I can see the progress that has happened in our marriage.
Don’t give up!