As we walked through this painful and blessed journey one of the things that came to light was that long ago my wife felt like she was no longer a priority to me and no longer special. That was really hard to hear but I am coming to understand what it means.
Here is the crazy thing about this. She would never say that I didn’t serve her and the kids. I did a lot of things to help. I did a lot of things to be around her and the kids. So to hear her express feeling unimportant didn’t make sense.
Through my massive failure God broke me and humbled me. Out of it He is more importantly helping me learn to humble myself before Him. I learned I could do everything for her and the kids and she would have continued to feel unimportant. This is possible because my heart was sick and over run with unforgiveness. I was deeply wounded and living life to prove I was something. Everything was a checklist item to do and as a result my wife felt like an item to be checked off. My atitude was awful and she felt like a burden to me. My guess is if the kids knew how to articulate it they would have said the same thing.
When the Lord broke me some things happened which have allowed me to experience life and to rest in God. In some ways I’m learning to truly feel in a deep and rich way.
1. I forgave and let go of past hurts
2. I surrendered to God and admitted my helplessness.
My wife knew my heart was sick and she would challenge me on it. Every time she would ask me to do something she would see in my face that I was annoyed or bothered. So no matter what I did she would never feel special to me and loved. In my life I started to try to take responsibility for things that were not mine to own. For instance I felt the need to prove my worth. That is not something we can do. Now I know my worth is because I am a child of God. Now I know that nothing is better for me than loving and enjoying my wife and my kids. See my father simply wants to love and bless me but that begins by surrendering to Him. When I am surrendered I become faithful in my day to day life and it allows Him to take care of everything else.
My wife means the world to me. My kids are such an incredible blessing. I am finally free in Christ to love them well and to enjoy our lives together.
I am so blessed! It just stinks that it took so long and so much pain to get to this place. One of the wisest woman (my wife!) I know just reminded me that God redeems our pain and hurt. I am so thankful He does.
If your sitting there and you can relate. You find your family is a checklist and burden then start asking the Lord why. Ask God what it is that keeps you from enjoying them for the blessing they are. The next time you do something for your spouse or your kids and it feels like a burden or your annoyed then stop. Take a moment to confess it and ask God what is going on in your heart. Then ask God to help you see that it is truly a joy to care for the gifts He has given you. The gifts being your spouse and kids.
Then when you get some time begin to ask God what in your life are you trying to manage or take responsibility for that isn’t yours to do. God will begin a mighty work to free you.
Now I am equipped and ready to truly care for and love and serve my incredible wife with joy! Praise be to God!